Do not apologize for your grief

  • National Newswatch

“Doing as well as we can” has become a common refrain when catching up with family, friends, colleagues, or just about anyone you speak with these days. In some circumstances it is an accurate read on our situation, in others perhaps there is a twinge of anxiety wrapped around the last syllable that denotes some small deception, and for an unfortunate few, it is a complete and total fabrication.Governments across Canada have responded through partnerships with private and public providers to roll out programs and information campaigns aimed to help the most severely impacted, and in many overlapping instances, the most underserved, receive the essential mental health support they require. The issue is that health, social, personal, and economic impacts of the pandemic are significant and ongoing. How we recover from its impact and how well we will persevere is an issue for many not just those who currently are in crisis. While all of this is undeniable, many of us read media stories, in addition to hearing the experiences of individuals within our social and professional circles, about resilient people confronting tragedies and hardships causes us to reflect on and perhaps diminish our own situations.It is in part because of these moments of pandemic-inspired reflection that are now part of our everyday lives, that many of us are not taking the time to acknowledge the full impact of COVID-19 on our lives. Specifically, to feel comfortable in acknowledging that we have the right to grieve the things that have been taken away from us in this pandemic, the everyday things in our life that we no longer enjoy or can count on. For me, these feelings are different than the everyday anxiety that comes with dealing with the pandemic (Do I have a mask? Did I wash my hands? Did that person just cough?), and the more significant stresses (Will I still have a job? Will my relatives who are immunocompromised get through this ordeal safely? How is this going to affect my existing mental health issues?). This is the feeling of grief that comes with the loss of the familiar, the loss of the routines and activities that helped define our days, the loss of handshakes and hugs, of our identifies, and our interactions with the world. It is the feeling expressed in the tense silence after someone says “we are lucky because we have x and it could be worse.”Perhaps you were going to look for a new job or take a trip, perhaps it was a new health regime or the continuation of one that you started, or perhaps it was the distinction you had between work and home, between time with the family and time with yourself. It is, as someone very close to me put it, the grief that comes with mourning the loss of future possibilities.We should always keep in mind the sacrifices and circumstances of those less fortunate than ourselves, to be compassionate, aware and empathetic to their situation so that we can support and advocate appropriately. At the same time, we should not dismiss our concerns and experiences, to not recognize the loss we feel and how this pandemic places a finger's weight on our emotional scale, unbalancing every reaction and influencing every response in some degree or another.Part of how we are going to get through this is by identifying, acknowledging and seeking support for our anxieties, our stresses, and our grief. Each requires its own approach, its own process for healing and recovery. We have to take time to mourn the loss of small things as well the loss of big ones. Most of all, it is important for us to remember we have nothing to apologize for when it comes to how we feel.For more information about how to cope with loss and grief, please click here.To download a free mental health app for Apple and Google IOS that details where you can get support in every province, please click here.For mental health resources for employees in the federal public service, please click here.Rob Rosenfeld is the Vice President, National Capital Region and Corporate Communications for Morneau Shepell, the largest provider of mental health and employee wellbeing services in Canada. He has previously worked as both a civil servant and a political staffer, as well as for the not-for-profit, and post-secondary sector. While his expressed opinions are his own, his employer shares his passion for advocating for greater mental health support and services for all Canadians.